First blog post – Realize Depression is Real

I am at work today, and for the first time depression is something real to me. I have felt depressed for about a year now; however, I have always just brushed it off with excuses. That’s not really how I feel, depression isn’t real for me this is just a moment of sadness. Today I was sitting at my desk and started imagining a scenario. I asked my husband if we could go for a walk and then I pictured it. We began walking down our neighborhood rood together and unlike usual I began to just talk and couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth…. Love, I have felt really depressed lately, to the point where life seems unbearable. I have been feeling isolated as I work in a small office where I am typically the only one there all day. I have no friends that I hang out with on a regular basis or talk with everyday, once a month at most I hang out with anyone. I have been inviting my little sister over to the house every weekend because the loneliness is to overwhelming. I give myself the excuse that she is at the age where she needs a good influence in her life and to stay busy. The honest truth is I hate being alone. How many times have I thought it doesn’t matter who I spend time with as long as it is someone but I know that train of thought isn’t right either and I  hold myself back. How many times have I had the time to go out, take a walk, go to the gym, make plans with people I want to become my friends. Every time it’s either I am too tired, or I don’t have enough finances to go somewhere. If the person I am with wants to go do something I will be embarrassed because I have no money to do anything beside take a walk. What would we talk about? All the thoughts in my head are about how miserable I feel or how frustrated I am with life. I am supposed to be a role model. I am the one others come to to talk about their woes because I am a good listener. But who will listen to me? I cannot just share my heart with anyone, anytime I have in the past I have been hurt or told that I am mean. So for too long I have kept my heart shut off. Then I came back to the realization that my husband would say no to the walk anyways because he works to many hours on his feet. So I decided if he says yes to the walk I will tell him all these things, and if he says no I will harden my heart again and keep my feelings to myself.

Yesterday was my 27th birthday, I spend the entire day at the office alone and then had dinner by myself. I chose a restaurant with a bar, hopping that someone would be at the bar I could strike up a conversation with. I was alone there as well, which brought me to this moment. Sitting at my desk in tears at the realization that….. I am depressed, I can’t keep quite anymore or I will not survive.

So this is my journey, this is day one. The day I take back my life, the day I believe… Depression is Real. hope

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “First blog post – Realize Depression is Real

  1. Depression is real, but so is happiness. This post has brought me to tears, to be honest. I don’t know you and maybe I never will but I know that you will make it. You can do this. Coming here, posting this shows that you are ready to fight back and it’s a beautiful thing really. I’m not here to promote my blog, really. But I have written an article on how to find happiness recently and you don’t know how much it would mean to me if I could help you, even a little bit, through your journey to recovery. You don’t have to read it, but if you do, I hope it helps : https://delicatefighter.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/how-to-find-happiness/

    Sending you loads of love and positivity ❤

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s