I am at work today, and for the first time depression is something real to me. I have felt depressed for about a year now; however, I have always just brushed it off with excuses. That’s not really how I feel, depression isn’t real for me this is just a moment of sadness. Today I was sitting at my desk and started imagining a scenario. I asked my husband if we could go for a walk and then I pictured it. We began walking down our neighborhood rood together and unlike usual I began to just talk and couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth…. Love, I have felt really depressed lately, to the point where life seems unbearable. I have been feeling isolated as I work in a small office where I am typically the only one there all day. I have no friends that I hang out with on a regular basis or talk with everyday, once a month at most I hang out with anyone. I have been inviting my little sister over to the house every weekend because the loneliness is to overwhelming. I give myself the excuse that she is at the age where she needs a good influence in her life and to stay busy. The honest truth is I hate being alone. How many times have I thought it doesn’t matter who I spend time with as long as it is someone but I know that train of thought isn’t right either and I hold myself back. How many times have I had the time to go out, take a walk, go to the gym, make plans with people I want to become my friends. Every time it’s either I am too tired, or I don’t have enough finances to go somewhere. If the person I am with wants to go do something I will be embarrassed because I have no money to do anything beside take a walk. What would we talk about? All the thoughts in my head are about how miserable I feel or how frustrated I am with life. I am supposed to be a role model. I am the one others come to to talk about their woes because I am a good listener. But who will listen to me? I cannot just share my heart with anyone, anytime I have in the past I have been hurt or told that I am mean. So for too long I have kept my heart shut off. Then I came back to the realization that my husband would say no to the walk anyways because he works to many hours on his feet. So I decided if he says yes to the walk I will tell him all these things, and if he says no I will harden my heart again and keep my feelings to myself.
Yesterday was my 27th birthday, I spend the entire day at the office alone and then had dinner by myself. I chose a restaurant with a bar, hopping that someone would be at the bar I could strike up a conversation with. I was alone there as well, which brought me to this moment. Sitting at my desk in tears at the realization that….. I am depressed, I can’t keep quite anymore or I will not survive.
So this is my journey, this is day one. The day I take back my life, the day I believe… Depression is Real.