I’m fine….

We have all heard or said this more times in our lives than it is true. I think this one is a hard topic for me to write about because it hit’s the nail on the head in regards to my life and my attitude. No matter how depressed I may be when I get around people I know a forced smile appears because my instinct to make sure everyone else in my life is happy overshadows my own misery.

Life is a lot like my photo below. I see something or feel something, it may not be full blown depression but it’s not what I want everyone else to see. So I edit my life so that I look brighter, happier, and well put together to everyone else even though my world is not as full of color as I let on to be. My life isn’t perfect but I want everyone else to see it that way because if I am good it gives them hope that life is always full of vivid colors.

Looking at the photos above the truth – or original is much softer (Top). A Lot of times when self reflecting what I see and feel is much more broken and hurting. Secretly crying in the car because of a conversation or being angry and having muddled thoughts because of a situation at work. However, when I step out of the place of being alone I then close my mouth and my heart and paint a beautiful picture with words. Instead of the simple I’m fine (which is obviously a lie) I begin to say. “I am doing fantastic, life is great” (still a lie, but more believable). Social media gives me the opportunity to then further back up the lies I am speaking but adding some beautifully edited photo’s (Bottom) and talk about how life is all beaches and colorful sky’s. The truth was my husband who is in this photo was laying in the sand and got soaked by the waves just to get that perfect shot of the “Good Life”

We have this secrete desire that our lives will be like a romantic anime where everyone around us know’s exactly how we feel and that one person who knows our every thought and desire and secretly will pull strings to give us a happily ever after. The truth is life is more like a Korean drama where you are watching from the outside and screaming in your heart.. STOP! Turn around! What you need most, the person you are seeking just passed you.. if you would just look up for a moment. If you would just speak what is on your mind your whole life would change.

I went through a situation last week where I had deeply hurt my husband with a passing comment I made to him. It got him so angry he was avoiding me at all costs. I realized he was angry with me and I apologized. He asked if I even knew what I had done that upset him to this degree. I was honest and said no and made a guess which just enraged him more. This continued for a week when I finally stopped him and said, “I am not a mind reader, if you want me to know what I did and actually be sorry for it. You have to tell me what I did so I can change my actions and not do it again.” How many times do we take an offense or get depressed because ‘they should know’ is our perspective on peoples words and actions.

If I want to change my mood or attitude I have to change my mindset that ‘they should know’ to I have to speak up, they are not a mind reader. If I need to talk to someone, if their action or words caused me pain. I need to speak up and tell the truth.

The truth is, it is ok to not be fantastic every day. It is ok to feel hurt, it is ok to feel depressed. As long as we are not silent about it, we are willing to forgive and once we have addressed the situation we are willing to make a change and let it rest.

If you are like me this is the excuse that goes through your mind. If I tell someone my day is going bad, that I am feeling depressed. They won’t stop to listen. If they actually listen they won’t care, if they care for a moment then I will go on and I will become a burden to them or annoying only ever talking about my issues, my problems, my frustrations. People would rather just hear, “I am fantastic” and move on about their day and their lives.

The truth is I listen to everyone, any friends or family that are going through issues now come to me with their problems because my life ‘Looks Good’ so they trust me to be honest and give them hope. The truth is the whole time they are talking I think ~ well crap now I can’t tell them my heart is breaking ~ that life sucks right now ~ that I am frustrated with my husband ~ I feel outcast from my family ~ I have no friends I can be honest with.

Working Hard to ‘Look Good’ can really kick you in the butt latter on down the road. So today is the day that I decided to be honest. I will stop striving to look good. I will be me and I will be happy because of it. I am unique, I have feelings, I have dreams, I get hurt, and I have friends. If I just let go and be myself I will stop worrying about what people think and just enjoy life.

I don’t want to look good…. I want to feel good and do what I love

Be You Be Loved Be Happy