Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when the world stops spinning, the wind is knocked out of your lungs, and you don’t know weather to scream, cry or hide?
I have to keep reminding myself to breath, I have replayed my thoughts in my mind many times and decided if I don’t just start writing I won’t be able to get out all my anxiety. Just being honest here…
February of 2015 my husband and I had been married for 2 years at the time and my parents like most kept asking when they get grandchildren. We were not trying to have kids yet since we are not financially in a place were we could support another life. It’s terrifying to think about bringing another human being into the world. We were not, not trying either if you catch my drift. March I found out I was indeed pregnant with out first child. I surprised my husband with the news by getting him an amo box and hiding the pregnancy test inside. We were thrilled of course because my husband is quite a bit older than myself he really wanted to start having kids as soon as we got married. We were on cloud nine, my whole life I have dreamed about being a mom, and once I got married I then began to think of how awesome of a dad my husband will be. He loves kids and they love him. We began to tell family and friends about the joyful news as we worked towards saving money and being healthy to help us along the journey.
April 2015 we were scheduled to go in for the ultrasound and see our precious new baby. We were scheduled to go in at 5pm after work for both of us. As I sat in my office that morning working away at the computer I was getting more and more excited. The pregnancy was becoming more real. I hadn’t suffered any morning sickness which I was abundantly grateful for. All the sudden I felt a rushing of fluid in my stomach (I’m super emotional writing this from the same computer I sat at then I am writing to you now) I jumped up and rushed to the restroom, something was not right. There was a massive flow of blood everywhere and the tears began to flow down my face as my world was shattered. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t speak, and I didn’t know what to do. I came out of the restroom with tears hitting the floor as I walked to my bosses office. He looked up and saw my face and asked what was wrong and what he could do. I couldn’t even talk, I stood there and just cried out loud for a minute and then barely forced the words out of my mount. I have to go… and I walked out of the office and got in my car.
I began driving to the doctors office where my appointment was scheduled just a few hours latter and called to let them know I was on my way. This took a few minutes to get across as the wonderful lady on the other end of the phone had to tell me to breath and calm down so I could explain what was happening. looking back I should not have been driving. I text my husband to let him know the situation because he cannot answer his phone at work. He immediately left and met me at the doctor’s office. When I arrived at the doctors still in tears and barely able to get words out. Trying to breath, The lent me some items to clean up with in the restroom and then I waited what felt like forever – 30mins to see a doctor. I went and and right away they said it was too much blood and I was in the middle of a miscarriage. My worst fears had been confirmed. My husband and I were both crying at this point as we waited to see the ‘head’ doctor. She brought us into her office and in no kind way stated that this happens to most people you will be ok, if the bleeding continues go to the hospital so they can preform a DnC and then sent us on our way.
In our most broken moment, not a person besides the receptionist showed any compassion. She simple said she was so sorry we had to experience this. It’s all we needed to hear, we were hurt and broken and the doctors just wanted to get to the next appointment. We left from there to go to the hospital for blood work, and then home. It was the most terrifying, hurtful experience we had been through. I made my husband call my parents because I was still at a loss for words and didn’t want to do anything. I went home and showered as I watched more blood go down the drain. It felt like my whole world ended. I didn’t know if I was upset, angry, sad, depressed; all I knew was everything hurt and I was afraid. This fear still grips me every month as I wait to see am I pregnant again or not. We had friends who I love dearly who were driving in to town to see us that day so they stopped by for a moment and gave us hugs and left. It was a comforting feeling. By then the tears had stopped and I was just in a blur.
MOVING PAST THE BLUR
The next few weeks were filled with more tears, at the time I was working two full time jobs plus in leadership at church so I took a week off from everything. It was difficult to go to church the following week because my husband was very angry with God and didn’t want to hear a bunch of people tell him how to feel. He likes to be alone in those times. I however knew if I was alone my thoughts would only wonder further down the rabbit whole. Eventually I went back to work and felt a little like I could breath again. The world had stopped spinning, I was still in pain but life was moving on.
As of recently, people have gotten more bold in approaching me about having kids again. It quite frankly pisses me off. I knew it was going to happen this weekend to. I had a dream that a bunch of people were around me at church praying for me to have children (this happens a lot in reality but usually one on one) I think people need to realize that this can be hurtful. I don’t have my own feeling shorted out yet but they have their own ‘feelings’ for me. HAHA, it makes me laugh thinking about it. So I had a dream and in the dream I told the people to back off, I don’t want kids anymore. But when it actually happened Sunday night that is not how the situation went down. It could have been a little bit of people pleasing on my behalf and not wanting the hassle of explaining myself. But when the lady approached me and asked if I wanted children, I didn’t lie I just didn’t tell her my struggles. I said my husband has baby fever right now and smiled. I thought this was going to be a one on one thing again; however, she then had a bunch of people pray with her over me to have children. I took it in a way of thinking yes I want children just maybe not by everyone else standards.
TO HOPE AGAIN
I still have extremely mixed emotions now when it comes to my thoughts. Since having the miscarriage everyone keeps telling us we just need to try again (like I mentioned above). My husband caught baby fever again last month and super wanted to try and got very excited. Till he saw the expression on my face and then backed off. The truth is, I don’t know yet. I have had so many thoughts that it’s ok if we don’t have kids. I can be happy traveling and doing anything I want without a care. I used to look forward to the thought of people laying their hands on my belly and talking with the baby. Not it’s hard to even imagine enjoying that. I fear only painful memories would exist. But somewhere deep down in my heart I know lies the desire to have a family. I want to adopt children, I always have wanted to adopt even since I was a very young kid. There are so many kids out in the world who have been abandoned and just need someone to love them. I want to be that person, I want to bring that hope. I want a family whether it is naturally or through adoption. I am sure when the time comes, whatever may happen. I will once again be filled with joy and move past the day’s of depression. My world still has moments that feel like life is a blur. That is when I stop, take a deep breath, and then remember, I am happy to be alive and have a life that continues to move forward.
Thank you everyone for your support through this blog post. It was a very personal experience to share and I hope it helps others who may be in that moment of brokenness and despair. With love from those around you hope will once again be restored. Take your time, grieve, and don’t be afraid to discover your own feelings. Please share this post with anyone you know in the hopes that it will help bring hope.