As I am sitting at work this morning there is a war ragging in my mind. Yes, I write these post from my office job, because my job is too boring and I spend 90% of my time alone in the office.
A WAR IS WAGING
Is it ok to be 100% honest in my writing? I began this blog without telling anyone I know what I am writing about. I am not ashamed, I think more people need to know about depression; however, there is always this people pleasing fear. What will they think? So this morning as I began to think about how my weekend went to come up with a topic for today’s posted I stopped half way through and began to be anxious thinking. When my husband finally reads my blog will he be upset with me? Or will he be happy that I am able to put to words this mix of emotions going through my heart.
I have decided I will be honest no matter what…
THE CYCLE OF SHAME, FEAR & CONTROL
So this weekend I went to a car show. I invited our roommate to come with me because I know he likes cars, but it was for a more selfish reason. The car show was at a local church where someone I was once engaged to attends. I have been married now four years, and not in a relationship with this past person for 7 years. I am grateful for the way things turned out, yet I still feel this cycle of shame, fear and control when a situation arises were we meet one another again. Not because of the person but because of the people around him. I have to attend their church multiple times a year because of work. Most of the people love me greatly and give me a warm welcome. It is the few people that hold a grudge against me, as I walk through the building I can feel their glares as they judge me and curse me in their thoughts. I smile and say hello to anyone who is still willing to talk to me. I have been invited to speak at this church next weekend on being Thankfull (Full of Thanks) at first I began to think I shouldn’t do this. Knowing that a few people there really dislike me. Then I thought, I am going to do it, there is no reason for me to let something from 7 years ago control me through fear. I have no shame for what happened, but the people who believe I did something wrong believe I should be ashamed.
It’s time to step out of that cycle, be free and just be myself.
We all fail, it is what we do afterwards that will change the course of our beliefs.