So I have been MIA the last few days because I fell into a bad cycle of stress and depression. It all started on Oct. 31st. I had way to much sugar and I am diabetic. I woke up the next morning and took some medication that I vowed I would never take again due to the side effects. I began to immediately feel like I was going to die, I didn’t want to eat anything but I had to force myself because I became extremely dizzy from the fast drop in my sugar levels to which my body responded by not wanting to keep any food in by any means (side effects). After a day of the miserable effects of this medication I began to physically feel a little better but then my depression kicked in. I felt miserable that I let me health get this bad and the number one cause of my depression reared it’s head.
Money is a large cause for depression, stress, fights, etc. I believe in everyone’s lives. Since being married finances have been tight due to a few different situation that have taken place in our lives. I have always worked hard and more than one job; however, my husband took a year off from work last year to pursue his degree. Since then we have been playing catch up. We typically go through a week were our accounts are negative. I know things will work out and be ok the next week. This month we got screwed over by our car insurance company. We purchased a new car last month and they raised our insurance rates from the 200’s to over 800. I became depressed about it and did not want to say anything fearing my husbands response. I felt like I had failed. I finally got up the courage to say something to him and he went off the rails angry at the insurance company. The only issue is he rarely ever helps me with anything financially. He is too busy with work (he works 4am-8pm six days a week) So I usually handle everything. But this was hitting my hard. I just needed some help, he was angry and didn’t want to but I finally convinced him, plus he felt like they ‘messed’ with his wife so he called in and we ended up switching to Geico and saving over 600 a month. This was a breath of fresh air in my week of darkness. However, the damage for this month had already been done as we still had to pay 800+ to the previous insurance company. So this morning when I woke up I check the bank account and we were negative and then some. All I wanted to do was quit life, crawl back into bed, and forget about all my problems. I know next month will be better but right now really sucks. I had to be late for work then to take my husband food for the day because he thought we would have money since today was payday. I got there and he asked if I was ok. I told him no, I want to quit, I want to cry. He text me latter to say he is still made at the insurance company but for me not to feel bad because he is not made at me. He has this funny gift of knowing how I feel even when I have no clue. The truth is I felt like such a failure and that he should be mad at me for our financial situations. I know rationally thinking it’s not my fault. But depression has this way that make you feel like the whole world is your problem and it’s overwhelming so you should just give up. No matter what I do I can’t change everything at once. I need to just breath and take things one step at a time.
Right now I will reflect on the positive things in life.
- I have a job, my husband has a job
- We have a house
- We both have cars
- We have food to eat
- I have family that loves me
- I can finally walk outside in the nice weather
- I have the best pug in the World
I want to stop letting, depression, fear, and fiances control my life. There is too much good out there in the world for me to get stuck here in this moment of stress.