On The Edge

All week I have felt emotionally on the edge. I wonder, will I climb down the way I came up? Repel down the side? Or jump off with the thought that I can fly…

Currently work is my trigger for this feeling of uneasiness. I have come to the conclusion that I really hate my job right now. I work as an office/project manager for a commercial construction company. I am extremely talented at my job, I get everything done early, and we get job’s specifically requested that I run them from both clients and subcontractors. Recently however, any time I am at work anxiety overwhelms me. I feel like I am having a constant panic attach. I think this is mostly because my boss has me “in charge” of the finances in every aspect except for actually letting me choose what bills to pay when. He believes it is ok to rob Peter to pay Paul. At first he had me lieing to all the subs about when they would get paid. I have recently started ignoring him because all the subs know exactly what he is doing and I got tired of trying to keep lies straight. So I am honest with them all now… We don’t have the money to pay you until the current project makes a progress payment. Even then I cannot guarantee they get paid. They appreciated this and it has made my day a little more peaceful. They know I keep my work at paying them as soon as I can dependent upon the one who signs the checks.

So everyday when I arrive at work as of recent. I don’t want to do anything work related. I hate it. I typically work myself out of jobs by being efficient and setting things in place that set up the business to run with minimal effort. I decided I wanted to keep this job longer than a year when I got hired so I try and take my time to make it look like I am always busy. But the truth is I am bored out of my mind and my boss is a micro manager so even when I want to do more I cannot because he wants to review every piece of paperwork.

I was the happiest in my working life when I was traveling the world, and running a restaurant. I long to go back to those days. I was talking with my husband about it recently. He is working towards being an RN and our plan was to stay in AZ until he accomplished this; however, some things in our life may be shifting in terms to what I am responsible for in leadership roles with some other work I do with family and church. If things end up differently we may speed up our time line to move. So we have started dreaming. What state do we want to move to? Should we buy a home in another state and then travel for work? Or just travel and rent as we go? His job will allow for him to travel with great pay, and I am working towards online income so that I can work from anywhere.

I am tired of being on the edge everyday worried if I will fall or fly. I want to break out of this mundane stress and see the world. I have been tied down for so many years to my desire to see my family be well provided for but I am at the breaking point. I am ready to be off the mountain and on the open road.