As I sit down to write this tonight, I have finally come to the end of my excuses for not writing today. I am exhausted, it was a long emotional day that I believe has ended with a new found hope starting to grow in my heart.
This morning I knew church would be different as a lot of people are out of town for the holidays. Just as many people who are out of town, there are families visiting. I expected church to be a smaller congregation this morning… And it was; however, it was all of the leaders who were gone and the seats for visitors that were full. It’s funny sometimes how things work out. Half the worship team was out of town, and my husband who also is on the worship team stayed home with exhaustion from work. He works 60-70 hrs a week in the medical field. Apparently last night I was in a crazy deep sleep. I remember having a dream that I was at a riot where people were shouting… Come to find out it was my husband calling out for me in the middle of the night because his legs had cramped and he couldn’t get off the bathroom floor. I slept through his calls for help for 30 mins before he crawled to the kitchen for some water and then proceeded to lay on the couch. (I felt terrible when I found out about it in the morning.) The lead pastor was home sick with food poisoning, and his wife almost left immediately after arriving due to the same issues. Church starts at 10:30am and it was 10:20am when I got the text… “I have food poisoning so I sent my sermon notes to church with the girls… Your husband can preach” As we all know already he was not at church either, and come to find out the girls did not bring his notes to church with them. So 10 mins till and I am saying the most trusted prayer I know… “Help me, Help me, Help me Jesus.” The worship team was myself, my roommate, and two young preteen girls who are learning. It was the most relaxed Sunday I have had in a long time. Everything should have been chaotic and stressful but after that prayer a peace that is explainable was on me. I got up after worship and had another lady in the church who has never preached before share a scripture God had given her on Friday about going out into the highways and the byways and compelling people to come in so that the House of God may be filled. I then proceeded to preach on Acts 2 telling people to be bold in sharing the gospel. I thought church went well 🙂
All the while, I still had my morning in my thoughts. How could I sleep through my husband in time of need? It was an emergency and I was able to do nothing. If we had a kid and I slept through an emergency… I was terrified.
This moment in time, this revelation. I am afraid, am I healthy enough to pursue my once lost dream of creating a family? I have talked about this before. I came to the decision that if I never have kids, I will be fine. And that is true I will be ok, but I started to make this thought into a belief that I don’t want kids now. Growing up all I thought about was when I have kids I am going to be a great mom. When I have kids, weather on my own or by adoption. (Please consider adoption people, there are kids who need love) When did I decided to let fear control this desire. I am afraid of the process, I am afraid of loss again, I am afraid I won’t be able to wake up for the little things. I jokingly told my husband he will have to wake up at night if we have kids. He laughed at me and said he will just push me out of the bed to wake me. I put this thought on the back burning as my day continued. I didn’t want to focus on this for too long because itwould bring anxiety to my day.
My cousin is super pregnant right now and her baby shower was today. So I headed out to Walmart and bought some of the items on her registry and made a cute goodies basket. It was a shower for couples and my husband was excited to go since he found out there were doing a diaper raffle. For every pack of diapers you brought you were entered into a raffle to win a gun. We enjoy hunting and shooting for sport in our families so this was a big deal. My husband stayed home so I told him I was going to win the raffle and not share. I didn’t win but I had a great time with friends and family at the shower. It wasn’t your typical lame baby games and veggie trays. There were a lot of young couples, beer, burgers and more.
There was a onesie station set up were you could make a outfit for the new baby on the way. It was the best thing I had seen in a while. (See the photo above) My cousin had dyed all the outfits herself and then we choose iron-ons to add to them and our creation was birthed. All the sudden I found myself thinking how brilliant this was. Then I was shocked!!! The thought went through my head. “I would look good pregnant”
Now that I am processing my feelings since being back home I want to puke from the fear of my desires. But they are my desires non the less. I still want to be a mom. I still want to love a little one, and have a giant stomach for people to fuss over. I still want to adopt and change someones life forever.
Sometimes the fear of loss is overwhelming and can blind us from seeing what our heart is crying out for. However, when we look past our anxieties and let our hearts desire grow. We find that maybe the thing we want so much in life isn’t unimaginable.
Before I got married we had a conversation about children. As every person should before they get married. Our marriage his had slight ups and downs as we figure out what we want. My husband is older than me by 8 years so he wanted kids right away. We waited for financial reasons and then when it finally happened we lost our first to miscarriage. If you want to know more of this story check out my earlier blog When Life Is A Blur – My Most Vulnerable Moment Since then we have had to wade through our feelings of are we prepared to take the risk of loss again to bring a new life into this world. Today I believe that spark has come back, even if it’s the smallest of flames. It will grow if we let it.
So I have decided no matter what happens I will let this new hope grow as
The Adventure Begins.