The Hustle & Bustle

Happy Holidays… I don’t know about everyone else but this holiday season has been all about the hustle and bustle. Between cooking lots of food, cleaning, black Friday shopping, spending time with family, and forcing myself to go back to work; I think my attitude has been somewhat out of date.

Even with this being my favorite time of year my emotions have been off the charts un-leveled. I have been struggling severely with not wanting to go to work, with feeling unworthy, feeling like a bad wife, and even though I truly want to live my life to the fullest struggling with the thoughts that life would be so much easier if I didn’t have a life.

My husband and I made plans for certain financial goals to happen this last week, but we both spend to much money on random things to be able to keep those goals… What we spend the money on wasn’t bad.. We paid off some credit card debt and fixed the electrical issues in our house. However, we also spent a lot on things we didn’t need like going out to eat, a new bookcase, and some gaming stuff. It was the unexpected things that really got us. A speeding ticket, a certification for work, etc.

It’s all these little things that add up and cause stress and panic that have brought me to this place of an outdated attitude. My husband will snap if he finds out that we can’t put into saving and pay down the car like we planned. He works 60-70 hrs per week and it’s killing him. I’m too stressed to be honest with him because if he finds out all his hard work isn’t improving our situation he will give up. I know depression is something my husband struggles with a lot. But we have never talked about it.

We walk around on eggshells with each other. We know that at any moments something we do could set the other person off. For me it is when he intentionally does things he knows will trigger anger in me. Like eating with his mouth open, or not cleaning up after himself. For him, He has a hard time seeing the progress we make towards being financially stable. He wants to be at the finish line, he hates the journey it takes to get there. Our attitudes and stresses play off of one another fueling each others bottled up emotions.

Just Be Honest

What is this outdated attitude? For me it is fear….

I know mentally that if I am just honest with myself and my family, everything will work out for the better. We will communicate better and things will get done. But I let fear take over my heart.

I heard a joke yesterday on facebook.. I personally thought it was a horrible joke but I think it made me realize something… “Jesus had a little brother, James. Every little brother follows around their big brother and try’s to copy them… I bet James almost drowned on one occasion.” I didn’t get the joke at first but the guy telling it did hand motion after retelling the joke and then it hit me. When Jesus walked on water if James was following but couldn’t walk on the water he would have drowned.

When you read the actual account of this in the bible Jesus was walking on the water and would have passed by the boat the disciples were on, if they would not have called out. At first they believed Jesus was a ghost and were afraid. But Peter called out to Him and Jesus told Peter to step out of the boat.

Peter was afraid but he called out and asked for help… Whereas, in the joke James would have drowned never calling out to his family for help to save him.

We cannot get the help we need unless we speak up and ask for help.

How many times do we let fear control us, when the ones closest to use who love us could easily have stepped in and taken our hand to calm the storms in our hearts.

Depressed Living With Depressed

My husband is always honest with me. When he is feeling depressed, sad, angry, happy, frustrated, or ready to break… He tells me.

It doesn’t matter what is going on currently in our lives, he is always honest. It is a quality I wish I had more of. I am a people pleaser. If I know my husband is struggling with something I will think really carefully about what I say before I say it. Like today, my husband text me about our financial situation and said, “I am going to snap if our financial situation doesn’t improve.” I am always stressed about talking with my husband about money because he hates being involved in the budget talks. He also doesn’t not stick to a budget when we do finally talk about it.

So today I am already stressing about life, I got to work and stressed about everything the office let pile up because I took last week off, and I know I need to do something about my health or it will decline fast.

I started thinking, do I get a second job? I really need to get our extra car ready to sell. Can I stay motivated enough to make it to the goal?

I always want to share what is bothering me with my husband.. but the few times I have gotten to my limit and shared how stressed and depressed I am. It makes his world fall apart. Being married is difficult but worth it. You are responsible for someone else happiness and well being. When I am honest he immediately gets depressed and goes on and on about how he is a failure, as a husband and a man. No matter how much I try and encourage him after this to let him know that is not how I see him. I know he works extra hard to provide and pay attention to me… At some point it just gets to exhausting in my own depression to try and bring him out of his. I always try my best to bring light back into the situation but being depressed living with someone depressed it freaking difficult.

I wouldn’t change my marriage for anything FYI. I love my husband very much. I am learning how to find the balance between being honest for my benefit and holding back for our benefit.

For those of you in the same situation what are some things you do to help promote healthy relationships with spouses or significant others? Comment below…

Time To Switch

I am ready to switch, are you?

Why live in constant fear of the unknown? Speak up, ask for help, seek out the truth. The truth is I really don’t know what will happen in my life until I ask for help. I don’t know how my husband will respond to the truth to the emotions I locked away until I sit down and talk about it. He is my helpmate, the one I can rely on for everything. It is time I kick my outdated attitude to the curb and start working on being happy, loved, and honest.