Don’t Worry…. Be Happy
As I sit in my office this morning listening to Pandora this song by Bobby McFerrin Comes on. I feel like I should be on a tropical beach laying in a hammock with the ocean breeze on my face singing along. “Don’t worry be happy”.
But the truth couldn’t be further away from that. I have talked about my journey with miscarriage before in When Life Is A Blur – My Most Vulnerable Moment as well as my decision to try again in The Adventure Begins – A New Hope. Today I woke up a little brokenhearted. Is is a bad thing to let your hopes get up? Each month as we are trying now I wait for that “time of the month” in the hopes that it won’t come around. The first time I got pregnant my body experienced many new things that were small tells to say, “Hey person! you need to be careful we are trying to grow someone here.” So as each new month comes I start experiencing a new reaction or feeling in my body and start to get excited thinking what if? Just maybe… I begin to become expectant that this month for sure I will get to schedule that doctors appointment.
Then it rolls around, I am starting to have some pain (which are really cramps) that I mistake as a tell. I start feeling a little nauseous in the night (because my diet has not been consistent recently so my diabetes is messing with me.) I get overly emotional (duh! everyone women does around this time). I start day dreaming about those what if’s.
My husband introduced me to my new favorite song. “Three Little Pigs” by Green Jelly. Anytime he plays this song I go around singing, ” I’m the Big Bad Wolf…..”
So we were laying in bed last night and I start signing, “I’m the big bad wolf” and he laughs and said we should dress up like this for Halloween next year. I can be the wolf and he and piggy our pug can dress up as pigs. So I had the though if we had a baby that can be the third little pig. My heart was filled with joyful thoughts at the cute little image I was creating in my mind. Christmas is this month and finding out I am pregnant would be a fantastic surprise. But I woke up this morning in even more pain that the night before. And sure enough, I came to the conclusion I am not pregnant again this month. And for the first time since the miscarriage instead of it being a relief giving myself the excuse that I have another month to drink, exercise, and eat sushi all I want. I was brokenhearted enough to the point that I sent my husband a text about letting my hope get to high and how I felt heartbroken. I began to cry at my desk realizing sometimes I ignore these dreams so much that when I am letdown my true emotions begin to leak out to the point where I become mindful of the reality of how I fell. I lie to myself to often saying everything is good.
I am learning to listen to my own heart. To let myself cry when it hurts, and let myself be happy when good things happen. So even though in the moment that I was listening to Bobby McFerrin and all I did was cry. It’s a little true, I need to stop worrying and be happy. I have my health, I have an amazing husband, I have a great family. I can do anything in this moment of expectations and let downs.
Today I will decide to continue to let my hopes rise. I know that the let down is bitter and painful. But to be able to dream is something I never want to let go of.