Anger, grief, sorrow, pain all mixed with a little hope. This is my attitude this morning as I am writing.
I have written on here before about one of my sisters in particular in Helping or Enabling? As you all my know I bought her a plane ticket home last week in time for my mothers birthday. It was great the whole family cried as we were happy to see her home again.
Now the reason for all the mixed emotions today. She decided to leave again, and yes again without telling anyone goodbye. My husband reminds me hourly that I need to be quick to forgive her and tell her how much she is loved. Even through she is family it is hard in that moment of hurt to only say nice things. Because I want to be brutally honest in such a way that I may say some hurtful things. I want to tell her this is a horrible mistake and not to do it, but I also no that it will only drive her away that much more.
So what can I do? Tell her I love her, that I will always be here for her if she needs help even if I don’t agree with her life choices. She is my sister and cannot be replaced.
Yesterday upon hearing the news I was so angry and heartbroken I began to have a panic attack. I wanted to stay home from work today and wallow in my pity. I was even more angry when my husband told me I had to go to work. I said some not so nice remarks in my head to both people. Then I went home, I slept, I woke up, and here I am at work today. I am happy I didn’t stay home, it would have enabled me to stay in this place of despair and darkness thinking about what is going on that she would chose to be so hurtful to her family. Then I started to think about all the times I felt like running away growing up. I was so angry when I graduated high school that I moved out of my parents house on graduation night. I did say goodbye and moved into a safe home with people I knew; however, that doesn’t change the fact that I made the same choice as her and I ran away from facing my hurts and insecurities. My parents loved me and supported me through that time just as they are supporting my sister in love. We differ a little because she is not moving into the best of places with some people we wish she would stay away from but I will love her regardless of where she moves and the choices she makes.
I see the heart break in my families lives and I wonder did I break their hearts this much when I left? My relationship improved greatly with my family once I moved out, but I was also making choices they approved of once I left the house by going to school and volunteering.
I am going to chose to put fear of what could happen to her behind me and focus on the hope of this is her life changing moment. The moment she has decided to move, she has made a choice and I pray it will better her as a person as she goes through this hard lesson called life.
For those that pray I covet your prayers for my sister for those who believe in good vibes I appreciate all the good thoughts you send this way
Remember Hope, Remember Love, Remember Peace