Happy New Years!!!!!

Today I am giving a lot of thought to this new year. This 2018 I want to look forward. Just like in sport you go where you look, in life I will go where I have set my focus.

Now I am not one for new years resolutions. I think that is just something people say and never do. However, I am all about making small goals for myself each day and a few long term goals that I am flexible with as I never know what will happen in life.

The end of 2017 was a real struggle for me. I was not able to post every day on here like I wanted to. I was struggling with a lot of irrational fears that kept me awake and night and quickly sent me into a spiral of fear, depression, and bad physical health. Ironically enough it was thinking about health that started this. My husband and I had switched cars for a week. (I already knew he was a messy person) When we traded cars back I did the usually thing and started to clean all the trash out of the car he left behind. I usually just clean it out, nag at him for being so messy, and move on thinking I am a great wife for keeping the cars clean. But this time something different happened. As I started pulling the trash out (my car was filled half way up the doors in the front and back) I was noticing that it was all pizza boxes and reese’s giant cups.  My husband and I both used to be addicted to soda. It was normal to drink soda from morning till night every day. There are many problems with that, but the main problem is I am diabetic. I should be drinking 0 soda. But I love that sugary, bubbly, refreshing soda. So last year we made the decision to give up soda. We did great with it, we replaced our soda drinking habits with unsweetened tea. I began making healthier choice anytime we went out to eat cutting out carbs and opting for salads and proteins. We both have busy schedules and eat 90% of our meals apart from each other. I quit buying groceries because I would make food and then he would forget to take it or, we would make food and then still eat out during work. My husband works 4am-8:30pm 5-6 days a week. I found we were wasting too much money by buying grocery and eating out. So I gave up.

Back to the car, I opened the door and saw all the pizza boxes and candy wrappers and realized he replaced his addiction for soda with candy. He has lost weight over the past few months; however, I think it was from his body not getting the nutrients it needs combined with stress from work. So I told him we needed to talk about it, that I believe he has just swapped his addiction. Because we both suffer from depression tenancies without normally saying depression (it’s still depression) We both fell into this cycle. He got upset and moody because I called him out and I became terrified and ready to give up.

I laid awake that night not being able to sleep at all thinking what if he has a heart attack or a stroke in the middle of the night and I don’t wake up in time to call 911 and do CPR? I have already given CPR to a family member through that situation and they died. If my husband dies like that while I am laying in bed next to him, I wouldn’t survive. My imagination began running a thousand miles a second with ‘what if’ scenarios. How would I survive being a widow, would I even stay in town long enough for a funeral or would I run away to another state or even country. How would I tell his mom. I couldn’t stop all these thoughts from flooding in. Then I started guilting myself for even imaging these things.

I told my husband about all this the next day and he apologized and laughed and thanked me for at least imagining a peace death for him. He said he didn’t deserve that much in life. I encouraged him that he deserves more in life than this, and in my heart I screamed I deserve more than this. The discussion ended there because if I kept going on about it I could see he would only dig his own hole deeper to hide in.

I know I cannot change others. I can only encourage them along the path to their own journey and choices.

So I will focus on me, when I look at myself what are those things that bring fear and stress in my life that I want to change. What small goals can I set to accomplish them? If today was my last day of life, would I want to be doing what I am doing today?

No! But I want to change that so my answer can always be yes.

My Goals For This Year

A New Routine – Wake up earlier, work out daily, make breakfast, eat out less, read more, relax more.

A New Job– By the end of this year I want to be in a new career. Whether that is writing, cooking, or accounting. What ever door opens I want to walk through it.

Lower Blood Sugars – I have not taken care of my diabetes at all this year. I have told myself I am doing ok. But I have avoided all doctors appointments because of financial reasons and no health insurance. This last month I  know that things have gotten worse because I have started to see more physical side effects of high blood sugar than I should be experiencing. Thanks to my husband job this year I have insurance and this week I am making a doctors appointment to get back on insulin and bring this scary journey back unto a healthy path.

This is not a lot of goals, but it will be a lot of personal work. So I will take my time, take one bite at a time, and walk forward into a better life.

This year is my year of Health. What is this year for you?

A video I found inspiring for my new year of goals. I hope it inspires you also.