Yesterday was the “Celebration of Life” for my grandfather. I wrote a little about this a few day’s ago on Forcing Myself Today.

I wanted to walk through some of my thoughts through this to help process what I am feeling. I was happy my grandfather passed away quickly as he was in a lot of pain from cancer. For the week after he passed nothing seemed out of place. I went to work as usual and life moved on.

Yesterday at the celebration I got up and shared what my grandfather had taught me with his life. The Importance of Communication with Family, and that you were family whether or not the same blood flowed through your veins. Many people from all over the country came to honor him and shared countless stories of how he impacted their lives. My grandma told me that he would have been proud of what I shared and she was too.

We had the Christian Motorcycle Association as our escort from the church to the cemetery. It was unique experience, as we drove with the company across town everything seemed to be a blur. Then we arrived to the cemetery and the preacher said a few words and it was over. As I stood there with my husband I was happy but I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face. Every time someone would come and hug me my heart felt like it was breaking into pieces just a little more. As though I could feel everyone’s pain as they had glued smiles on their faces for the day. My grandma wanted it to be a happy celebration of his life not a sad time. While we were at the graves all of us grandchildren sat down in the chairs after the adults (I am an adult and so were some of the other grandchildren but you get what I mean ‘younger’) got up. It was this beautiful moment of peace as if to show that we were ready to carry on his legacy. We then laughed and shared stories and went our own ways.

As I sat in the car on the way home tears still rolling down my cheeks I asked my husband. Why am I crying? I am happy that he is in heaven with no more pain. To which he graciously responded. Because you miss him.

It is true I will miss my grandpa, as I realized through everyone’s stories he was always there. For every moment, for every celebration, for every trail. If you needed something he would drop everything he was doing to help someone in need. Every birthday, every graduation, every little and big event of life. He never missed it, he was never too busy, he directly reflected what it meant to love people unconditionally. If you were doing something wrong he would tell you, and then he would show you how to do it right and always let you know that he loved you.

So today when I woke up, I was still feeling a bit depressed. So many thoughts were running through my mind last night and to some degree I just wanted to ignore everything. Because pain is never easy to face head on. I feel broken today, like my life is about to fall to pieces and there is nothing I can do to stop that and hold everything together.

But is it really so bad to be broken? Or is it an opportunity to build something new?

I don’t know what the future holds, and I am worried about some family situations that I think may take place now that my grandfather is no longer here.

But what man can add an hour to his life from worry? 

The Cure for Anxiety

²⁵ “For this reason I say to you, ^[n]do not be worried about your ^[o]life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the ^[p]air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? ²⁷ And who of you by being worried can add a single ^[q]hour to his ^[r]life? ²⁸ And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, ²⁹ yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! ³¹ Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ ³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But ^[s]seek first ^[t]His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be ^[u]added to you.

³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will ^[v]care for itself. ^[w]Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34 ~ Bible Gateway

I apologize for the lack of posts this week but as you can tell I am taking some personal days for healing and self reflection.