For the last two weeks I have gone through these moments of feeling like I am ready to crumble apart. Yet still at times my personality kicks in and takes over and I feel like I need to be the one there to encourage everyone around me to make sure they are ok…

I am a fix it kind of person

Something I haven’t talked about yet is my working schedule. I am very much a people person even when I am being an introvert. If I am around people I can’t help but smile no matter how broken my own heart it. There are very few people that I can be around where all the walls in my heart just crumble and I cry and let out all the worries in my heart. I am always very honest, so if you ask me how I am doing and I am in the middle of struggle I will tell you with a smile that I am not ok, but I know everything will work out and I move on. It is important to have those people you can run to and cry in their arms. It is a process of helping you to heal and let go of the worries of your life. If you don’t have someone to share with you end up bottling all your emotion until you are ready to explode or implode.

I have been thinking a lot this week about the people in my life. I have realized that I have been isolating myself way too much this year. Thinking back I have only every had three people in my life that I could be 100% open and honest with to the point where I realized I was being honest with myself.

There are too many times where I even lie to myself about how I feel about the emotions swirling around in my heart. Sometime you don’t realize how you feel to you speak it out to someone else. Plus they are able to give you a different perspective on your issues.

Back to talking about my working schedule. I am hopping to be back on a daily writing schedule after taking these two weeks to work through the pain from the loss of family. It is tax season and I am still working full time at the construction company, full time as a tax account, full time as an associate pastor, we are starting up our YouTube channel at the beginning of February, and then replacing the construction job with the Restaurant come March. So I appreciate all the love an encouragement I have received on here and I am going to do my best to stay on top of writing. This is something I never knew that I would enjoy this much.

Writing has always been a weakness in my life. Between horribly spelling and grammar, I have this fear that has been established through my own thinking many times. That when I write out my personal feelings someone always reads it and then judges what I said with the wrong intentions. For example… I dream a lot and for a while I was keeping a dream journal. I believe dreams to hold many interpretations, but that is for the person who is dreaming. Not for others who come in and start reading your thoughts for themselves. So one of my sisters was reading through an older dream journal I had laying next to my bed. In this dream my parents were fighting and I honestly don’t remember the rest.  I often right them down and then forget about them. She was apparently freaked out about this and went to my mom who ended up in tears coming back to me asking questions. At first I had no clue what she was talking about and then she explained that my sister had read it in one of my journals and what it said. This dream troubled my mother a lot…

The problem I have with this is many times my dreams are not literal in many cases. When I go back and ask what did that mean. My dreams typically are an example. I will think what does that person in my dream represent to me? My dad in my dreams usually represent safety, strength, security. Etc. It’s usually a dream about something I am trying to work through so I never take the actual dream and apply it directly to my life.

Anyways back on track, I have felt hurt many times from people reading what I write and then accusing me or questioning me about something not related to the point where I actually burned all of my journals when I was 18 that I had written when I was younger. I regret that to this day, I think it is in some part what encourages me to write again. I know that people may judge me. But if I am no longer writing in secrete and I am just open and honest there is nothing that can be held against me. I stand firm and believe in what I write.

So today as I write I want to ask you…

What type of person are you?

Have you ever regretted something you wrote?

What type of dreams do you have?

What steps do you take to become more bold about writing?

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