Shame, Fear, and Control
Three little words that may dictate your every emotion and reaction when life turns upside down.
I know I have not posted in a long time. It has been difficult to find the right words to express the many waves and throws of life currently. So I am staying with my ‘ninja way’ and speaking the truth.
What is truth…
Today truth is my focus. Currently I am in a situation where I am asking myself who to believe? I am a Christian and I believe in God and that his word is true. But it is not always easy to believe the people around me. Sometimes I even must ask myself…. is what I am thinking and saying true? Why is it so easy to lie? when confrontation is staring me down like a lion why is deceit the first thing that comes to mind?
Honestly, I hate confrontation so my brain tells me to people please. Say whatever will make this moment in time better. This solution is not the advice I would give to anyone including myself. The truth is always the right answer. I know some people say well telling a lie might be to the other persons benefit. I myself have justified my actions with that excuse. It never helps either party.
So right now my extended family has been fighting a lot. To the point where they are slandering each other. I cannot in confidence say that I know my family well enough to judge what is being said as the truth or pain.
When we get angry or hurt by others it is easy to say things we do not mean or know to the point where we can be so hurt and have a conversation with ourselves about the situation so much that in our minds it becomes the truth. I had been experiencing this exact situation at work recently with a co-worker who had broken up with his girlfriend of five years but was still living with her. I work very closely with this person so I would hear everything about it. I automatically became this person physiatrist. This person was struggling with more than just his relationships, he had addiction problems as well as health struggles. It was to the point where myself, his boss, and other close friends confronted him about these issues and told him that he needs to seek professional help. When he was sober he would confess that he knew he needed help and wanted it but just hours latter his decisions and attitude would be the complete opposite. He would say things about his ex that were not true and accuse those around him of knowing the truth but not telling him. He began to feel underappreciated and unnecessary to the point of nose diving into thoughts of depression and harm. Thankfully just as easily has he had been angry and hurt he turned his attitude around to joy.
I personally was getting tired of playing babysitter for my co-worker as I had my own family issues going on at the same time. Little did I know all of this was preparation for something more drastic about to take place closer to home.