Little did I know all of this was preparation for something more drastic about to take place closer to home…
Growing up in life I was a very sheltered child. I grew up with great parents and I don’t regret the sheltered lifestyle I had. I was at church everyday and I was always having fun. Life was different, I didn’t have friends because my family was always busy and let’s be honest I was always a little awkward and the only things I knew to talk about with people where the bible and building things. Most 5-15year old kids have different interests like the latest tv show, movie, makeup, relationships etc. All things I was pretty well sheltered from. You would be shocked by the things I was not allowed to do or see. I grew up in a fear based home. I was afraid that if I did something wrong, if I wasn’t prefect that I would be rejected and outcast from the only close people I had (my family) as I had friends but no one close.
I had never seen my parents fight in my first 18years of life. I was very angry when I was a teenager and even still my life was pretty peaceful. I moved away across the country for 3 years where my perspective on my things changed but my foundations of life were solidified.
In my young eyes the world was prefect. My family is very secretive when it comes to things that aren’t perfect. When I was 16 I fell in love with someone older than myself who was sneaking into my home at night to spend time with me. It was the first person I could talk with about everything in my heart without the fear of judgement and rejection. Of course when my parents found this out I was in a lot of trouble and because of the fear in my life about my parents approval I ended that friendship/relationship quickly without explanation. That year I was sent away to Germany on a missions trip. Don’t get me wrong I was supper excited to go, I had been learning German for 3 years and loved to travel and I love Jesus and sharing the gospel so I jumped at the change to leave the country for a month. Deep in my heart I still felt like my parents were trying to send me away because of what I had done.. It was one of the best trips of my life. Things worked out for the best and I am now happily married to my best friend and partner for life.
All this back story is to explain growing up in fear. Fear is not always a bad thing, and I grew up in a completely loving environment. But my family tends to sweep things under the rug when shit hits the fan. If there is something they don’t like or agree with then they pretend like it has never ever happened.
This brings us up to the past few weeks. After I moved back I began to see my parents fight now and then was shocked my world. But everyone has fights, it’s health it means you are talking through your problems with the person you are closest too. Two weeks ago this evolved into my mom leaving my dad. My husband and I convinced her to stay at our house for a week. In that time she didn’t say a word about what was happening. My father on the other hand was facebooking, texting, and calling anyone and everyone he could talking about how the love of his life had left him and he was losing everything in his life. His family, his health, his business everything was betraying him. He was being manipulative and angry. He is hurt and broken, but that was just the surface. He was being completely two faced trying to get attend and compassion by being one person and then being a completely different person behind the scene.
Our whole family has been through these type of issues before with other family members. We have had family members completely destroy themselves to the point of death. As things keep coming to light we have learned about three years of secretes, unhealthy relationship, and substance abuse. I personally didn’t see this coming at all. My dad posted that my mom left him on facebook to which we called my mom and had her come over to our house, this was just the beginning. Dad began telling us things about my mom in anger and to be manipulative. My mom did not say a single thing in agreement or defense. But as more and more information came into the light I began to think back over the last three years. How had I not recognized the signs of destruction. Just the Sunday before I thought to myself, who is this man? and when did he stop listening to the Holy Spirit. He had thrown his phone across the church at my mom to get her attention during service and then they both left about 5 minutes later without telling anyone what was happening. My husband got a text saying good luck your in charge today. He had changed drastically.
I used to be just like them in a since that if I did something wrong all I wanted to do was hide it and pretend like nothing had happened and life was prefect. Through this process I am choosing freedom. I want truth no matter what type of pain it may bring, when you are honest with yourself and though around you, only then can your heart begin to process what it happening and being the healing process. My family still has a long way to go. We have adopted my youngest sister to take her out of the destruction going on in my family. The rest of my family has come around to support us and help in anyway possible as we tread through the waters of confusion. I still don’t know what is going to happened, but I have made a choice. I will no longer live in the secrete dark places that fear drags our heart into when we are don’t know what direction is up. I will live in truth, the light and have peace if my life.
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