“Do you want a Vodka Soda? I buy… I can’t believe what you are going thru, it doesn’t sound real. ”

Inner dialogue – I hate vodka!

“Sure, I’ll take one”

Three drinks latter… I am back from my break at work and slowing doing anything I can to stay busy and not look anyone in the eyes. Tears streaming down my face as I cut some vegetables for dinner service. I feel like I am drowning in my sorrows, I can’t hear anyone besides my own thoughts. My boss approaches me and asked if I had talked to my mother yet and hugged me.

At this point my brain went blank and I sobbed on his shoulder with all my co-workers standing around watching. My boss told me go take a break, I hurried outside to the patio and laid my head down on a table just as all light left my eyes and I lost consciousness.  As I began to get my barring another coworker was outside and I asked for some water as I began to focus on my breathing and calm myself down. I had to go back inside and ask what happened as I had only glimpses of things I thought had happened but nothing seemed real in those moments.

Panic!

1. sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior

I have always been an inner thinker, over thinking things to the point of unhealthy behavior. I have lost consciousness many times in my life from a young age. At first I was told it was a heart problem, then diabetes, but I have always known it steams from a fear that my thoughts will come true.

I text a close from on mine the day after to ask how she handles panic attacks. She advise me to find a quite place and focus on breathing. Which was very helpful of the next week after this situation I felt like I was trapped in a non stop panic attack. I thought my heart would explode from the pain and confusion I was sorting through. I have always been a very peaceful person, when things go wrong I still have joy and peace because I know this is not the end and that sooner or latter life will change again.

This was rocking me to the core, it was like someone was slowly pulling my heart apart like it was a wispy piece of cotton candy. Shredding, yet whole and taking on a whole new shape and identity.

(For those of you  who read my blog and also suffer with panic attacks, I have a whole new compassion. What are some things you do to help combat this? Comment below. )

My situation has not changed much this past month, I am still stressed out. But I am holding the panic at bay. This week was hell, I literally felt like I was dying while I was working. I constantly had to avoid eye contact for fear that I would burst into tears if someone asked me if I was ok again. (This is difficult to do when you work in a bar/restaurant)  I used to  not be able to help but smile when I saw someone else because I always want to people please. This week had been the first time I felt in my life that I didn’t care about the people around me I just needed to process my own heart first.

This scares me and comforts me at the same time. For the first time I am processing my own feelings, emotions, and life first above others. So this week I am focusing on breathing and on really putting my life and my needs first. This may not be the right answer but this is my answer for this week.

Thanks for you love and support